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Mibba

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I Can't Hold Back

Chapter 13

I watched the waiters pick up the pieces of broken glass and my broken heart off the floor. Shoving Kim’s apologetic ass out of my face, I made my way back to the table, but it was empty except for Eleanor. She told me the boys were up next to perform, and had to go backstage to prepare. I sat down and chewed on some ice. Eleanor asked what was wrong as soon as Kim came back to the table teary-eyed, but I ignored her. I didn’t have fucking time to worry about her when I’m pretty sure my relationship just fell apart.

After a dish of asparagus and lentil soup was served, the boys were up to perform. The beginning beat to “I Want it That Way” started to play and the boys started their cover of the Backstreet Boys’ number one song. My eyes darted to my boyfriend. Niall looked like he wasn’t there, as if his mind was on a completely different planet. The other boys kept trying to pump him up and make him dance, but he stood there like a statue. He sang along, but his voice was distant. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I could see it now: the tabloids would be all over his first public appearance since the incident and comment on his performance. They’d say he was addicted to drugs or some bullshit, and that this was all because of what happened a month earlier. I clenched my fists and held back my tears. This was all my fault. Everything was my fault -- I began to realize it now. If it wasn’t for me, Niall would have never been at Lake Casitas to yell at that man. He would have never been so depressed at the twitter abuse. He would have never been on stage right now looking ghostly white.

Harry hit Nick Carter’s famous high note in the song and I snapped back to reality. I watched the rest of the performance and wanted to throw up. Niall finally started to dance a little, but when his eyes came across our table he froze up again. The song ended and I waited what felt like forever for the boys to come back to the table. When they finally did, Niall wasn’t with them.

“Where’s Niall?” I asked, trying not to let my concern show too much.

“Don’t know. He excused himself to the bathroom right after we finished. He looked sick. Maybe it’s the food?” Louis told me as he inspected the smelly cheese dish that was sat in front of our faces with interest.

“He did eat way too many fucking beetroots,” Harry laughed as he threw a piece of cheese at Zayn’s face. A mini-food fight erupted and I stared at my plate. Looking up, I saw Liam glaring into my soul. I shook my head and he dropped his to his hands. Not wanting to embarrass myself even further, I told everyone I would search for Niall, hoping I could hold back the tears long enough to make it out of the room.

I made my way through the tables upon tables of celebrities, until finally I reached the doors to the lobby of the Roosevelt Hotel. As I looked for the entrance to the back of the stage, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Kim.

“Charlie, I…” I grabbed her into a hug and dug my face into her shoulder. The tears came out of me like a waterfall and my best friend petted my hair.

“Shh, it’s okay Char. I’m so sorry. I ruined everything. I should have warned you he was coming over.” She started to choke up and I removed myself from the current lake that was forming on her silk dress.

“It’s not your fault, Kim. I should have told him earlier. This is my luck, huh? Always fucking everything up.” She wiped the mascara tears that were falling down my cheeks.

“Don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s just something you two have to get through. He owes you. You were by his side and now he needs to be by yours. This is BOTH of your responsibilities. It will be fine; you just need to talk to him. Don’t worry so much.” She smiled and gave me a hug. It felt so good to have my best friend back. After I tearfully apologized for our fight earlier, I gave her one last hug and left to find Niall.

There were so many fucking people backstage and I wanted to punch every single one of them. Everyone was yelling out cues and for extra hands for blah blah blah and needing another monitor on blah blah blah and FUCK I hated being back here. I asked one of the many people with headsets where the lounges were and he pointed me towards a small hallway with two doors. One read “Femmes” and the other “Hommes.” I creaked open the men’s door and found my boyfriend on a red couch, his head between his legs.

“Niall?” He looked up and I saw the tears form in his eyes. Not knowing how to approach the situation, I took a seat next to him on the couch. He immediately got up and paced to the other side of the room.

“How long have you fucking known?” His Irish accent was thick – a sign he was super irate. The only other time I had ever heard it was when Harry spilled a Bloody Mary all over Niall’s favorite Derby jersey.

“J-just two days. I found out for sure at the doctor’s today. Liam took me.” He was scaring me. I had never expected him to act like this.

“Are you fucking kidding me? Liam? Thanks for making me top priority, babe,” he scoffed as he ran his fingers through his hair.

“It’s not like that, Niall! I didn’t know who else to turn to and he knows you better than anyone else I know, so what was I supposed to do? I wanted to make sure before I told you.” I choked up and bit my lip.

“You should have fucking told me either way! This is not just your problem, Charlie. It’s both of ours and I would like to know firsthand what the fuck is going on. Do you know what it feels like to hear that your girlfriend is pregnant from her screaming at her best friend? It feels fucking amazing, I’ve never felt better,” he spat at me and began to crack his neck from side to side. I was afraid he was about to go Irish boxer on my ass.

“Niall, please. I was scared…it’s not like I’ve ever been in this kind of situation before. I didn’t know what else to do.” I was full on crying now. Like, ugly sobbing. My world was falling apart.

He looked up at the ceiling and took a deep breath, “I don’t know either, Char.” He began to cry which made me cry harder. I rose from my seat and clung on to his neck. We cried together. I thought of our options while we held each other. Abortion? Adoption? Having the baby? Was I ready for a baby? As I felt him dig his hands into my shirt as he cried, I really thought about the last option. Was this what we both wanted…needed? He sniffled and held me out in front of him. He just looked at me for a while, staring – him into my eyes and mine into his. I loved this boy, I really did. He would be such a good dad. I imagined him playing baseball with our son when the weather was nice, or taking our daughter to the playground so he could push her on the swings. But what if this isn’t what he wanted? What if he wanted to be young and free? I couldn’t take that away from him. Fuck, why was my life so complicated? He sniffed and I brought my attention back to his eyes.

After what felt like forever, he broke into a smile.

“Babe, we’re having a baby!”

Comments

Oh my gosh! The ending has left me crying! This story is filled with too much tragedy!

Just read the first chapter... USC? Sounds like the you are talking about University of South Carolina

Oh my god my heart feels broken!! You are such a great writer, I almost felt like I was experiencing the pain. I hope Niall and Charlie are together with their baby in heaven!! Great job on the story write another Niall story!! This time where they live lol!!

sniff niall died sniff nooooooooooooo! I loved it!, until niall died. I cried for hours! ur a very phenomiNIALL writer! read my story through the dark.its the one with the lyrics except they r about niall.

i just finished reading this and im a mess! you are a really talented writer :) i loved it