Show Me The Way
Chapter 21
EVIE’S POV:
I was disappointed to wake up to an empty bed and all traces of Zayn gone from my room, other than a small folded note on my bedside table, my name written on the outside in his neat handwriting;
Good morning beautiful,
i hated leaving you this morning, but i didn’t want you to get in trouble with your aunt. call me when you wake up, i want to see you later today after you get things sorted out. Even under terrible circumstances, last night was amazing.
love,
Zayn
He had ended the note with ‘Love’. Had he heard me? Or was it just a coincidence, a way you end a note to someone, not a declaration of love? I wasn’t sure, but I needed to know. I walked around our apartment, no sign of Will or Zoey. I assumed they were keeping him overnight and she had stayed at the hospital. I immediately felt guilty for not doing the same, and bolting instead. But then I remembered the look of hatred in my brothers eyes, and I knew why I had done what I did. But it was a new day. I needed to talk to him, I needed to understand.
* * *
ZAYN’S POV:
I had heard her.
I’m pretty sure she didn’t know, but I had. I felt like a complete ass for not acknowledging it. But if I was telling the complete truth, I was scared. I had never meant ‘I love you’ as much as I will when I say it to Evie. I’ve been wanting to tell her for a while, since before we went to my mum’s house, it just never seemed like the right time. But last night, that was the perfect time. So why didn’t I man up and do it? She had given herself to me completely; emotionally and physically, and I couldn’t say I Love You?! What was wrong with me? And then I made some stupid excuse to bolt in the morning. I could’ve woken her up, I could’ve done something more. Leaving before the girl wakes up is something I used to do all the time. But I didn’t do that with Evie.
Waiting for Dr. Block, I wondered if I should call her, or text, or if I should just stop by later, go and see her at work? I was so confused, I had no clue what the right thing to do was.
“-Zayn?” Karen interjected, “Dr. Block is ready for you now.”
- -
“I ,um, actually have something I wanted to talk about.” I’m pretty sure she almost choked to death on her coffee. Dr. Block was used to having to try desperately to get me to talk. I don’t know if i’ve ever been the one to initiate a conversation.
“Wonderful! What’s being going on lately?”
“Um, I wanted to talk about….” God, I felt so fucking stupid saying it out loud. “-love.” Her eyes widened, but she quickly regained her composure, sitting up straight and letting me continue.
“I, um, well- Me and Evie… it’s only been a couple of months, like, i don’t know- But I just, I don’t know, I think…” I paused, trying to word this correctly. She waited patiently, glasses perched on her nose, pen in hand, poised over her notebook, ready to jot down whatever nonsense spews out of my mouth next. “Um, I- I want to tell her how I feel. But I’m-” scared. Why can’t I say it out loud?! Why I can’t just completely honest for once? I finally on settle the word “conflicted.”
“Why are you conflicted?”
“She’s dealing with a lot right now, I assume you’ve heard about Will.” She nods once. “- And I don’t want to complicate things more. I think, I mean, I hope she feels the same. But I’m thinking maybe I should wait… or just, hold off for a bit, until things calm down. But then, I don’t want her to think I don’t feel that way. Because I do!”
“Zayn?” I finally look up at her, my head spinning. “Can I explain something to you?”
“Well, yeah.”
“I don’t know Evelyn well, we’ve never met. But her brother talks about her sometimes. Due to confidentiality reasons, I can’t tell you to what extent, I probably shouldn’t be even telling you this much. But I feel like it can help you in this situation, as long as you promise not to repeat any of this. I’m serious Zayn.”
“Of course, no I won’t. I promise.”
She nodded, continuing; “Evelyn had had a rough past, her mother had a lot of problems, her father leaving before she was born… Lucky for her and her brother, they were born into a life of privilege, so money was and will never be an issue, they have distant family members who supply them with whatever money or funds they need. But, that’s not the point. The point is, I know from speaking with Will that affection, love, isn’t something that comes naturally to her. It’s just not something that she’s willing to give away easily. I just think you need to keep that in mind. So, if you do tell her your true feelings, and she doesn’t reciprocate the way you expect her to, it most likely won’t be your fault.” I nodded, stunned that Dr. Block was willing to tell me something so private. But I was even more shocked of what she was telling me. I didn’t mention the fact that I had heard her tell me her feelings, she just thought I was unconscious at the time. But now, that makes perfect sense. She didn’t think she was really saying it to me, because I wasn’t supposed to hear it. It was for herself. I felt instantly guilty for what I had done, pretending to be asleep. She needed to know that she wasn’t alone, that she didn’t need to hide anything from me.
“Are you alright, Zayn?” Dr. Block asked. I blinked several times, the slight dizziness I was feeling subsiding slightly.
“Um, I… don’t know- I mean, yeah. But, I just- why are you telling me this? I mean- there’s that whole patient confidentiality thing you’re always talking about.”
“I know, and I probably shouldn’t have told you this much. But I felt like you needed it, and from what her brother tells me, Evie might need it too. As crazy as it sounds, I do want you to be happy. And if we’re being completely honest, the happiest i’ve ever seen you is when you’ve been with Evelyn.” I couldn’t help but smile, knowing she was right. “But, we should move on, before I open my big mouth again-”
- -
“Aye, where the hell you going? I thought we had plans to play Fifa?!”
“We definitely never agreed to that. Plus, you know I suck at that damn game, you just ask me to play because you like to win.” He just chuckled, nodding. “I gotta go talk to Evie.” I said desperately, having waited around the flat for her to call long enough, I needed to go over there. Now. I felt like I was gonna go crazy if I didn’t talk to her.
“Fine, fine, whatever, just ditch me…”
“Sorry, Niall. It’s important, I swear.”
He shooed me away jokingly, giving me approval to leave him alone.
- -
Not too long after, I was knocking incessantly on Evie’s door. I called her a few times, wondering if she went to the hospital to be with her brother. But with the way things went last night, I couldn’t imagine that that’s where she would want to be.
I was ready to give up when I heard the click of the lock; the door opening to reveal a version of Evie that I have never seen before. I had seen her cry, but it was never like this. Her eyes were red and puffy, bloodshot in the corners. She had tear-streaked cheeks, and her hair hung messily down her shoulders and back. When she looked up at me, she bit down on her bottom lip to stop it from quivering, her arms crossed tightly over her chest like a shield, keeping others away from her.
“Baby, Evie, what’s wrong?” I immediately grabbed her, pulling her against me and holding her tight. Her small frame shook with silent sobs as I stroked her hair and tried my best to calm her down. But she didn’t uncross her arms and hug me back, she barely moved. “Evie, please you need to tell me what’s going on you’re scaring the shit outta me.” I pulled away from her slightly, cupping her face in my hands. Her eyes were glassy with unshed tears, but she managed to take a deep breath and respond;
“Um, it’s, um- Will. He was released. I’m just- I don’t know, I’m acting stupid.” She tried to pull away, wiping at her eyes, trying to seem like this wasn’t a big deal. I knew better.
“Evie, what’s wrong? Please, you can tell me anything.”
“I don’t know, I don’t know what to think, or what to do- It just, it fucking sucks. Everybody leaves me-” She quickly covered her mouth as another sob escaped, her eyes showing more pain than I have ever seen in my life. “- My dad, my mom, now Will. I can’t take it again, I don’t know how to handle it, I can’t do it!” She was crying again, frantically trying to make sense of it all. But that’s the problem, it didn’t make any sense. “He left, Zayn. My brother was released from the hospital, came home, pakced his stuff, and left. And she LET him! I can’t take this, it’s too much. I can’t believe this is really happening- I can’t believe he really left.”
“Hey, look at me, please, look at me Evie-” She cast her eyes upwards, making my heart ache when she looked at me like this, like she wanted me to fix everything. And damn I wish I could, but all I could do right now was tell her the truth. “- Those people, are mad, completely idiotic. I could never imagine letting you go, thinking that I would be okay once I weren’t with you… God, you have no idea. You’re everything, Evie. Everything. And you need to know that no matter what, I’m not gonna leave you. Because, I love you. I love you so much, it hurts how much I love you. Sometimes, I don’t know what to do with it, because it takes over. I think about you constantly, I always want to be around you, I want to be able to touch you. When you’re unhappy, I want to be the one to make you feel better. And when you’re sad, i’m sad too. And i’ve never felt these things for anyone before; you’re just so important, and special, and so goddamned beautiful it’s bloody mental. I and I just- love you.” I shut myself up, afraid that I had gone too far, said too much. Evie stood very still in my arms, looking at me with wide eyes, her hands on my shoulders.
“Zayn, I…” She took a step back, I missed having her that close. This didn’t feel good. She was taking too long. Why was she taking so long? “I don’t….” She re-crossed her arms, putting an invisible barrier between us. “Um- I just-”
I easily could’ve told her that I had heard her last night, that I knew that she may be scared of opening up and letting herself love someone. But I couldn’t do it. It felt like a cheap shot. And as much as it was killing me right now to not hear her say anything back to me, I wasn’t going to stoop that low.
“I’m sorry, I’m just- my head is spinning. So many thing’s on top of each other and-”
“I’m gonna give you some time, okay?”
“What?” She finally looked at me again, confusion clouding the sadness in her eyes for a breif second.
“I’m gonna lay low for a couple days, give you some space. I mean, if that’s what you want.” I had to force the words out of my mouth, because it really was the complete opposite of what I wanted. I wanted to grab onto her and never let go and have her say she loves me. But it was blatantly obvious from the look in her eyes, that wasn’t going to happen right now. It wasn’t something I could force, I needed to give her time.
“I think- Yeah. I guess, that would be alright.” I nodded once, needing to get away from here before I broke down. I could feel it coming; the tightening in my chest, lump in my throat, pounding in my head.
“So i’ll talk to you later then?” Her head was down, but I saw her nod, wiping at her eyes. And before I could say another word or change my mind, I was gone.
I was disappointed to wake up to an empty bed and all traces of Zayn gone from my room, other than a small folded note on my bedside table, my name written on the outside in his neat handwriting;
Good morning beautiful,
i hated leaving you this morning, but i didn’t want you to get in trouble with your aunt. call me when you wake up, i want to see you later today after you get things sorted out. Even under terrible circumstances, last night was amazing.
love,
Zayn
He had ended the note with ‘Love’. Had he heard me? Or was it just a coincidence, a way you end a note to someone, not a declaration of love? I wasn’t sure, but I needed to know. I walked around our apartment, no sign of Will or Zoey. I assumed they were keeping him overnight and she had stayed at the hospital. I immediately felt guilty for not doing the same, and bolting instead. But then I remembered the look of hatred in my brothers eyes, and I knew why I had done what I did. But it was a new day. I needed to talk to him, I needed to understand.
* * *
ZAYN’S POV:
I had heard her.
I’m pretty sure she didn’t know, but I had. I felt like a complete ass for not acknowledging it. But if I was telling the complete truth, I was scared. I had never meant ‘I love you’ as much as I will when I say it to Evie. I’ve been wanting to tell her for a while, since before we went to my mum’s house, it just never seemed like the right time. But last night, that was the perfect time. So why didn’t I man up and do it? She had given herself to me completely; emotionally and physically, and I couldn’t say I Love You?! What was wrong with me? And then I made some stupid excuse to bolt in the morning. I could’ve woken her up, I could’ve done something more. Leaving before the girl wakes up is something I used to do all the time. But I didn’t do that with Evie.
Waiting for Dr. Block, I wondered if I should call her, or text, or if I should just stop by later, go and see her at work? I was so confused, I had no clue what the right thing to do was.
“-Zayn?” Karen interjected, “Dr. Block is ready for you now.”
- -
“I ,um, actually have something I wanted to talk about.” I’m pretty sure she almost choked to death on her coffee. Dr. Block was used to having to try desperately to get me to talk. I don’t know if i’ve ever been the one to initiate a conversation.
“Wonderful! What’s being going on lately?”
“Um, I wanted to talk about….” God, I felt so fucking stupid saying it out loud. “-love.” Her eyes widened, but she quickly regained her composure, sitting up straight and letting me continue.
“I, um, well- Me and Evie… it’s only been a couple of months, like, i don’t know- But I just, I don’t know, I think…” I paused, trying to word this correctly. She waited patiently, glasses perched on her nose, pen in hand, poised over her notebook, ready to jot down whatever nonsense spews out of my mouth next. “Um, I- I want to tell her how I feel. But I’m-” scared. Why can’t I say it out loud?! Why I can’t just completely honest for once? I finally on settle the word “conflicted.”
“Why are you conflicted?”
“She’s dealing with a lot right now, I assume you’ve heard about Will.” She nods once. “- And I don’t want to complicate things more. I think, I mean, I hope she feels the same. But I’m thinking maybe I should wait… or just, hold off for a bit, until things calm down. But then, I don’t want her to think I don’t feel that way. Because I do!”
“Zayn?” I finally look up at her, my head spinning. “Can I explain something to you?”
“Well, yeah.”
“I don’t know Evelyn well, we’ve never met. But her brother talks about her sometimes. Due to confidentiality reasons, I can’t tell you to what extent, I probably shouldn’t be even telling you this much. But I feel like it can help you in this situation, as long as you promise not to repeat any of this. I’m serious Zayn.”
“Of course, no I won’t. I promise.”
She nodded, continuing; “Evelyn had had a rough past, her mother had a lot of problems, her father leaving before she was born… Lucky for her and her brother, they were born into a life of privilege, so money was and will never be an issue, they have distant family members who supply them with whatever money or funds they need. But, that’s not the point. The point is, I know from speaking with Will that affection, love, isn’t something that comes naturally to her. It’s just not something that she’s willing to give away easily. I just think you need to keep that in mind. So, if you do tell her your true feelings, and she doesn’t reciprocate the way you expect her to, it most likely won’t be your fault.” I nodded, stunned that Dr. Block was willing to tell me something so private. But I was even more shocked of what she was telling me. I didn’t mention the fact that I had heard her tell me her feelings, she just thought I was unconscious at the time. But now, that makes perfect sense. She didn’t think she was really saying it to me, because I wasn’t supposed to hear it. It was for herself. I felt instantly guilty for what I had done, pretending to be asleep. She needed to know that she wasn’t alone, that she didn’t need to hide anything from me.
“Are you alright, Zayn?” Dr. Block asked. I blinked several times, the slight dizziness I was feeling subsiding slightly.
“Um, I… don’t know- I mean, yeah. But, I just- why are you telling me this? I mean- there’s that whole patient confidentiality thing you’re always talking about.”
“I know, and I probably shouldn’t have told you this much. But I felt like you needed it, and from what her brother tells me, Evie might need it too. As crazy as it sounds, I do want you to be happy. And if we’re being completely honest, the happiest i’ve ever seen you is when you’ve been with Evelyn.” I couldn’t help but smile, knowing she was right. “But, we should move on, before I open my big mouth again-”
- -
“Aye, where the hell you going? I thought we had plans to play Fifa?!”
“We definitely never agreed to that. Plus, you know I suck at that damn game, you just ask me to play because you like to win.” He just chuckled, nodding. “I gotta go talk to Evie.” I said desperately, having waited around the flat for her to call long enough, I needed to go over there. Now. I felt like I was gonna go crazy if I didn’t talk to her.
“Fine, fine, whatever, just ditch me…”
“Sorry, Niall. It’s important, I swear.”
He shooed me away jokingly, giving me approval to leave him alone.
- -
Not too long after, I was knocking incessantly on Evie’s door. I called her a few times, wondering if she went to the hospital to be with her brother. But with the way things went last night, I couldn’t imagine that that’s where she would want to be.
I was ready to give up when I heard the click of the lock; the door opening to reveal a version of Evie that I have never seen before. I had seen her cry, but it was never like this. Her eyes were red and puffy, bloodshot in the corners. She had tear-streaked cheeks, and her hair hung messily down her shoulders and back. When she looked up at me, she bit down on her bottom lip to stop it from quivering, her arms crossed tightly over her chest like a shield, keeping others away from her.
“Baby, Evie, what’s wrong?” I immediately grabbed her, pulling her against me and holding her tight. Her small frame shook with silent sobs as I stroked her hair and tried my best to calm her down. But she didn’t uncross her arms and hug me back, she barely moved. “Evie, please you need to tell me what’s going on you’re scaring the shit outta me.” I pulled away from her slightly, cupping her face in my hands. Her eyes were glassy with unshed tears, but she managed to take a deep breath and respond;
“Um, it’s, um- Will. He was released. I’m just- I don’t know, I’m acting stupid.” She tried to pull away, wiping at her eyes, trying to seem like this wasn’t a big deal. I knew better.
“Evie, what’s wrong? Please, you can tell me anything.”
“I don’t know, I don’t know what to think, or what to do- It just, it fucking sucks. Everybody leaves me-” She quickly covered her mouth as another sob escaped, her eyes showing more pain than I have ever seen in my life. “- My dad, my mom, now Will. I can’t take it again, I don’t know how to handle it, I can’t do it!” She was crying again, frantically trying to make sense of it all. But that’s the problem, it didn’t make any sense. “He left, Zayn. My brother was released from the hospital, came home, pakced his stuff, and left. And she LET him! I can’t take this, it’s too much. I can’t believe this is really happening- I can’t believe he really left.”
“Hey, look at me, please, look at me Evie-” She cast her eyes upwards, making my heart ache when she looked at me like this, like she wanted me to fix everything. And damn I wish I could, but all I could do right now was tell her the truth. “- Those people, are mad, completely idiotic. I could never imagine letting you go, thinking that I would be okay once I weren’t with you… God, you have no idea. You’re everything, Evie. Everything. And you need to know that no matter what, I’m not gonna leave you. Because, I love you. I love you so much, it hurts how much I love you. Sometimes, I don’t know what to do with it, because it takes over. I think about you constantly, I always want to be around you, I want to be able to touch you. When you’re unhappy, I want to be the one to make you feel better. And when you’re sad, i’m sad too. And i’ve never felt these things for anyone before; you’re just so important, and special, and so goddamned beautiful it’s bloody mental. I and I just- love you.” I shut myself up, afraid that I had gone too far, said too much. Evie stood very still in my arms, looking at me with wide eyes, her hands on my shoulders.
“Zayn, I…” She took a step back, I missed having her that close. This didn’t feel good. She was taking too long. Why was she taking so long? “I don’t….” She re-crossed her arms, putting an invisible barrier between us. “Um- I just-”
I easily could’ve told her that I had heard her last night, that I knew that she may be scared of opening up and letting herself love someone. But I couldn’t do it. It felt like a cheap shot. And as much as it was killing me right now to not hear her say anything back to me, I wasn’t going to stoop that low.
“I’m sorry, I’m just- my head is spinning. So many thing’s on top of each other and-”
“I’m gonna give you some time, okay?”
“What?” She finally looked at me again, confusion clouding the sadness in her eyes for a breif second.
“I’m gonna lay low for a couple days, give you some space. I mean, if that’s what you want.” I had to force the words out of my mouth, because it really was the complete opposite of what I wanted. I wanted to grab onto her and never let go and have her say she loves me. But it was blatantly obvious from the look in her eyes, that wasn’t going to happen right now. It wasn’t something I could force, I needed to give her time.
“I think- Yeah. I guess, that would be alright.” I nodded once, needing to get away from here before I broke down. I could feel it coming; the tightening in my chest, lump in my throat, pounding in my head.
“So i’ll talk to you later then?” Her head was down, but I saw her nod, wiping at her eyes. And before I could say another word or change my mind, I was gone.
Notes
hope you like this chapter !! please please let me know what you think, i love reading opinions and responses and stuff, it's amazing that you guys are continuing to read :) thank you so much for everything- -
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12/10/13