Save Your Heart
“Thank you for coming. Have a nice day!”
Smile and wave Harry, smile and wave.
I plastered a smile on my face, trying to make eye contact with each person who showed up to our signing. It was going on hour 3 and I had only gotten a few hours of sleep last night, resulting in a massive headache and the inability to keep my eyes open.
“You alright, mate?” Liam asked me. He was sitting on my right, happily making conversation with fans, signing posters and CD’s.
“I’m fine.” I instinctively responded, scribbling my name for the thousandth time today.
“You were out pretty late last night.” He whispered into my ear.
“Nothing, I was just saying. You look bloody awful. Maybe you’re getting sick.” I knew Liam was just trying to be a good friend. But right now, I wanted to tell him to mind his own damn business. Yeah, I’m sure I looked bloody awful, I felt bloody awful. I’ve felt terrible for months now. I tried my best to ignore it, distracting myself with work and parties and drinking myself into oblivion. But every once in awhile; usually in the middle of the night when I was unable to sleep, that was when I realized how completely messed up I had become. How every good thing I had ever had in my life, that had been only mine, was now gone. I pushed people away;
I pushed her away.
“Didn’t I hear you and Danielle fighting on the phone last night? Maybe you should worry more about your own life than mine.” His expression changed as I hissed angrily into his ear.
“Whatever Harry, fuck you too.” He snapped back. I’m pretty sure he thought I couldn’t hear what he said next, but I had;
“Honestly, I don’t know what the hell’s been wrong with you lately.”
I deserved whatever anyone threw at me, plus a load more.
Hours later, after a two hour show and another meet and greet, I was just thankful to have a private hotel room to pass out in, rather than the crowded tour bus.
“Ay, Harry! You’ve got a visitor!” Niall called from the door of the backstage green room at the venue. I looked up from my phone to see a starry-eyed Niall checking out the same blonde I had met at that party the other day.
“Hey, Harry.” She purred. Cara…Camille…Caroline…
“Carrie” She snapped, stepping into the room, past Niall, and sitting down right next to me, a hand resting on my knee. “You don’t even remember my name, do you? I mean, you were drunk the other night. I just didn’t think that drunk.” She shook off her jacket, revealing a low cut dress. I could tell she was trying to impress me and get my attention. It wasn’t really working. I was never really even that into the whole Less Is More mindset that some girls go for. I like having something left up to the imagination.
“So uh, I’m gonna assume you’re not coming to dinner with us?” I heard Niall ask.
“No, I-” I was about to tell him I’d love to. But Carrie beat me to it.
“I think Harry’s gonna be a little busy.” She spoke slowly.
“Well then, have fun mate.” Niall saluted me, closing the door behind him.
“You haven’t responded to my texts.” She pouted. I wasn’t going to tell her this, but I had given out my old number. From about 2 years ago. I still remembered it for situations just like this.
“Oh yeah, sorry. We’ve been, really busy.”
“I’m sure you have. Which leads me to believe that you need a break, have a little fun?” She moved her hands to the top of my shirt, unbuttoning a few buttons. I didn’t stop her, I was too exhausted to keep arguing. I felt her hand touch my bare skin, toying with the pendant that hung around my neck.
“These new tattoo’s are so sexy…” She whispered in my ear. I didn’t feel anything, not a single thing. But feeling things didn’t matter to me anymore, because I had stopped trying to. It was like I shut it off, like flipping a switch. I shut my eyes, not wanting to see her overly made-up face just an inch away from mine. I felt her lips collide with mine. I was barely participating, she really was doing all the work. Our lips separated when she pushed me down onto the couch, a layer of gross sticky lipgloss left behind, I as quick to wipe it away.
I looked up at her, her short dress riding up and she straddled my waist.
“Do you want me Harry?” She asked, her hands roaming all over my body.
I just shrugged. But she was unfazed by my response as she hastily unzipped my pants, unbuckling my belt.
“Don’t worry, you will…” She spoke.
As she did her thing, I closed my eyes. That way, I could pretend that maybe it was someone else kissing me, somebody else leaving little love bites on my neck, somebody else pressing their body against mine.
But a while later, after we had finished, my eyes were open, and I could see everything crystal clear. And to say it nicely, I didn’t like what I saw.
“You should go. I need to get out of here.” I mumbled, putting on my shirt and pants, slipping into my shoes.
“What, you’re not up for Round 2?”
“Not tonight.” I said harshly, standing up and walking out of the green room, leaving her half naked and most likely both completely confused and extremely pissed off.
“Have fun with… what was her name?” Niall laughed when I finally met up with them at the restaurant. I was starving and thankfully they had ordered enough for 12 people, rather than just 5.
I just pulled a face, which I thought was a sufficient response.
“What the hell does that mean? Niall asked.
“I dunno, It’s whatever. She kinda pushy, and annoying. And…”
“And she looks kinda like-” Before Niall could finish the sentence his was being elbowed in the rib by Liam. “OW!” He yelled, hitting him back. I was thankful for Liam, but also surprised. I had been an asshole to him earlier, why was he helping me out now?
But, Niall was right. At that party the other week, I had been feeling particularly sorry for myself. I had taken a few shots, and was nursing a beer, when I saw a flash of blonde hair out of the corner of my eye. It was sort of the same, maybe not as much as I thought, but that’s not the point. The point was in my drunken state, for a split second, I thought she was there, just across the room from me. And yeah, I knew that that was pretty much impossible but it didn’t stop me from stumbling through the crowds, pushing people out of my way until I got over to her. Placing a hand on her shoulder, she turned around. And of course, I was disappointed with what I saw. This girl wasn’t half as beautiful as she was; too much makeup, not enough clothes, her fake tanned skin…
And then she asked; “You wanna dance?” And I was unable to form a complete sentence in my drunken state. So, before I could protest, i was pulled out onto the dance floor.
“Aye, ya there Harry?!” Zayn yelled in my ear, snapping me out of my head.
The conversation at the table continued, interrupted only a few times with people wanting pictures and autographs. But all in all, it was a pretty chill night, or, it was supposed to be. I was all worked up about what had happened earlier, and my reasons for doing it, and how wrong I knew they were.
“… I just don’t see why this is still a discussion, Anna…” My mother wasn’t one for disagreements. She always wants everything in her life to seem effortlessly perfect, which of course it never was. I had been trying to convince her for weeks to let me go back to school in London next year, but she thought I should try homeschooling here. Or, and this one was completely out of the question in my opinion, go back to my old school. I’m not sure she understands the kind of scrutiny I would have to deal with if I were to do that. Everybody knows about me and Harry, and everybody seems to know how badly it ended. I’m not exactly sure how these details managed to get out, but I’ve read quite a few articles about how he apparently ‘dumped me whilst on tour because I was becoming clingy’. And although being in the same city as him next year would be difficult, I wasn’t going to let it determine my Senior year. I missed Molly and Keenan and Bryce, I missed my little dorm room, I missed the independance, and I really did just miss the city of London. I grew to love it there and to feel at home. It hadn’t just been Harry that made me want to be there, it was so much more than that.
“Because we never actually had a discussion! You just shot me down immediately! What reason do I have to stay here. I have nothing in New York mom, honestly.”
“You’ve lived your entire life here and you’re trying to tell me that there’s nothing!?”
“At this point, you’re in the Hamptons with your new boyfriend most of the time, Dad’s doing god knows what with his new wife, Max is at school, my old “friends” ditched me, and only wanted me back when they thought they could get something from me. I don’t see why you think I would want to stay here.” She sighed, which meant she knew I was right, but wasn’t willing to admit it. “You don’t have to decide right now, there’s stlll time. I just need you to understand the situation. I have some amazing friends in London. I know that if I went back, I could get better, much better than Dr. Newton could ever make me.” I could tell that this got her attention. She cared so much about labels and appearances. Which is why she’s kept my new ‘issues’ a complete secret. No one know’s about Dr. Newton, I’m not even allowed to walk to meetings because she’s too nervous someone in her stupid clique will see me and report back to the rest of the WASP-ey housewives.
“We’ll talk about this later, Anna. I have to go to the Becker’s dinner party, I’ll see you later tonight.” And with that, she grabbed her small sparkly clutch, sliding into her 4-inch heels, and walked out the door, leaving just a cloud of Chanel No 5 behind her.
Another night alone in the apartment. The one that felt like a museum, cold and empty. It was meant to house a family, not two lonely people who barely see each other, or talk. I was sitting in the living room with a book on my lap, but my attention on the TV. Flipping through channels was always a risk. I could easily pass over one of those entertainment news shows where his face would be on the screen, talking about god only knows what. Who knows if any of it’s true. It easily could be. I didn’t know him anymore, that much was obvious to me.
Thankfully, I eventually settled on HBO where they were playing The Proposal. I could use a good laugh.
Half an hour later I felt my phone buzzing. I dug through the mountain of pillows and cushions, finally retrieving it. The Caller ID read “Molly”
“Hey Molls.” I spoke.
“Hey Babe!” Sorry it’s been FOREVER since I last called, i’ve been so insanely busy.” Molly was doing an internship at her dad’s law firm over the summer which kept her busy pretty much 99.9% of the time. And that other.1% she spent with Keenan, they were still going strong as the worlds most perfect and loved up couple in existence.
“No problem, how’s it going? Still working hard I assume.”
“Yeah, I guess so. But I don’t wanna talk about me, I wanna talk about you!”
“Well that’s gonna be a pretty short conversation. Nothing’s changed since the last time we talked, literally. I think i’m sitting in the exact same spot. I’m not sure I moved.” She giggled at my attempt at a joke, sighing.
“Anna, I’m worried about you, we all are. There’s been some, stuff, in the press… and I just… I wanted to make sure you were doing alright.”
“I’m doing…I don’t know, I guess as good as I can be. It’s so hard Molly, I can’t even tell you. It’s like- he ruined me, you know? He literally ripped my heart out and took it with him, stomping on it every time he takes another picture with some random girl.” I hated being pitied, but I knew Molly was really the only person I could say these things to without her either trying to play therapist, bring the conversation back to herself, or telling me to just move on.
“I know, babe. I can’t even imagine. But you’re still going to the meetings, yeah?”
“Yeah, not sure how much good they’re doing… I googled him the other night.”
“Oh god, Anna. I told you to stay away from that shit.”
“I know, I don’t even know why I did it. But um, they’re gonna be in New York next week.”
“Don’t worry, i’m not gonna do anything, I promise. Anyways, I’m sure they’ll be way too busy for him to like, try and find me or anything. And that’s assuming that he even wants to. Which, if the recent pictures are any indication, he doesn’t.”
“… That may not be entirely true…” Molly said in a quiet voice.
“What? What do you know?!”
“He, uh… He called me.”
“Um, about two weeks ago I think.”
“And you didn’t tell me!? What the hell?”
“I’m sorry. You’ve just been so sad and I thought it would do more harm than good. And he told me not to. I just- I’m sorry, I wanted to.”
I should be angry with her, but it was impossible. “Alright, what’d he say.” The fact that Harry took the time to call Molly, about me, was astonishing. I honestly couldn’t believe it. But she wouldn’t lie to me about something like this, so it had to be true.
“He wanted to know how you were. And, if you switched your phone number. I told him that you had. He wanted it, but I didn’t give it to him, of course. he sounded desperate. He asked me if you were still in New York.”
“What did you say?”
“I said yes. But that was before I knew they were coming there! He sounded so sad, Anna. He said that he missed you and that he just wanted to talk to you and apologize and make sure you were okay. I told him if he really wanted you to be happy again, he would fuck off. I don’t think I was very convincing, since he said he would be calling me again.”
“Oh, jesus christ…” I moaned, falling back onto the couch. My head was spinning, this was too much. “I can’t even believe-”
“I know. That makes two of us. He uh, he told me to tell you something.”
“He told me to tell you that he’s sorry. And that he loves you.”