Save Your Heart
“Anna, keeping these logs is supposed to be beneficial. You need to take it seriously.” Dr. Newton was really trying, I could see that. And I wasn’t making this easy for him.
“Maybe I really was fine.” I mumbled, staring at the plaques that hung on the wall behind him.
“Well then, how are you feeling today? And let’s try a word other than fine.”
I considered being honest with him for once. But it didn’t really seem worth it. “Alright.” I saw a look of aggravation flash across his face, but it passed quickly.
“What have you eaten today?” He asked, closing the notebook I was supposed to be writing in for the past month.
“An apple, 2 pieces of toast, coffee…” In reality, it had only been the coffee. But I decided a long time ago that making Dr. Newton happy was all it would take to get me to stop going to these meetings.
“And how many hours did you sleep last night?” He asked, watching me intently.
“I think… five.” More like three and a half. I had spent a lot of the night tossing and turning, as usual. But then, I had done something that I hadn’t done in months;
I googled him.
Millions of results appeared. Under the ‘News‘ section, there were articles about their tour, about their up-and-coming status, and the massive success. But the one thing that caught my eye, was an article entitled “Harry’s New Flame Burning Bright!”. I hated myself for it, but I clicked on it.
‘ Harry Styles and rumoured ex Anna Hollis may really be over!
The curly haired heartthrob, famous for his ladies man tendencies, was seen leaving a party in LA last week with none other than… well, we aren’t really sure. So for now we’re gonna call her ‘Random Blonde Chick’. And while us Stollis (It’s the best we could do for an Anna & Harry couple name) lovers would love to think that the goldilocks he was with is in fact Miss Anna Hollis herself, unfortunately it’s not possible. This girl was almost Harry’s height, and Anna definitely is not. Plus, a source has told us that Anna’s been at her family’s home in NYC for the past few months.And not to get any Stollis shippers panties in a bunch, but One Direction IS going to be making a stop in The Big Apple in just a few short weeks. Is a reconciliation waiting on the horizon? We can only hope. But whether it’s a tearful, romantic reunion, or a massive fight that involves hair pulling and name calling, it’s bound to be good. Get your popcorn ready! ‘
It genuinely hurt to read something like this, to see the pictures of him on stage, or at a party. Just to see him at all. One Direction has gotten even bigger, just in the last 3 months. They’re everywhere; on magazine covers, on TV, on the radio… there’s no escaping them. I walked into Barnes and Noble the other day and they actually had their own colander, it’s insane. But I knew this was going to happen, I could always tell. And when they started the tour a few months ago, I just kept thinking things couldn’t possibly get any bigger for them, and then it did. Which is why I couldn’t blame Harry for drifting away from me. He tried, we both did. But it became so difficult, almost not worth it by the end.
For the first few weeks he called constantly, we would talk almost every night, usually for hours. I purposely never called him, just in case they were busy. I never wanted him to feel like he had to, or like I was a burden for him. Which I guess I became. Slowly, the phone calls became less consistent, and the conversations more general, and much shorter. By May, I knew things were different.And then, May 17, just a week before my 18th birthday, thing’s really took a turn.
“-And yeah, they want us to do an extra show here, so that’s good.”“That’s great, Harry.” I said, trying to sound supportive, although I could barely keep my eyes open. I heard him sigh. “What’s wrong?” I was tired, and the time difference with him in Arizona and me in New York meant it was the middle of the night for me, I had woken up to my phone ringing.
“You don’t have to pretend you’re happy for me.”
“Who said i’m pretending? Of course i’m happy for you!”
“Don’t lie to me Anna, I can tell how you really feel about this. At least be honest with me.”
“Harry, of COURSE i’m happy for you. How could I not be? I’m just-tired. And…”
“And you hate me for doing this to you.” His voice was so harsh, so definite.
“I could never hate you. Do I wish things were different? Yeah, obviously. But I would never want you to trade what you have, and what you’ve accomplished. It’s just hard, okay?”
“Yeah, well, thing’s aren’t different.” The way he was talking to me, like he was better than me, made me angry. It felt like he WANTED us to fight.
“I know they’re not fucking different Harry, i’m just answering your question.”
“Jesus, Anna, why do you have to make this so difficult?!”
“What are you talking about?!”
“YOU’RE TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY. AND I CAN’T FEEL GUILTY FOR LIVING MY DREAM AND BEING SUCCESSFUL! I’M SORRY, I JUST CAN’T!”
“I NEVER ASKED YOU TO, HARRY!”
“Do you really blame me for feeling this way? Every time I tell you what’s happening with me, you seem so bored… so, disconnected. Look, I’m SORRY i’m living my life to the fullest while you sit in your fucking penthouse apartment doing whatever the hell you’ve been doing, but-” He stopped, seeming to realize what he’s just said. I couldn’t see his face, couldn’t tell how he really felt. But I think he’s been holding this in for a long time, and it finally just came out. The truth. “Anna, I’m sorry-”
“Stop,. Harry. Just stop. You were finally honest with me. I finally know how you really feel, after weeks of you lying to me. You haven’t been happy with me, I can feel it. I can feel you pulling away, even from across the country. I think you wanted a way out. And you just got it.”
“No, Anna, please, just-”
But I never heard what he had to say. I hung up.
It was now June 22nd, and I haven’t spoken to him since. A few days after that last phone call, he tried to apologize. He would call 20 times a day, sending countless texts, but eventually that all died down too.
That was the same week that I really changed as a person. Something inside of my snapped, like the flip of a switch. I became angry, resentful, depressed. My mother didn’t know how to deal with me. So after a while of attempting to talk, so just called back Dr. Newton, the same doctor I had sophomore year, the last time I had been like this. Except this time, things were different. I couldn’t be ‘fixed’ by talking about my problems once a week and having someone reassure me that things were going to be okay. because things had been okay; for months, starting the moment I met Harry, things were better than okay. And I didn’t see things ever being that good again, so what was the point in trying to pretend like they would be?
“Anna?” I snapped back into reality, realizing I hadn’t heard a thing Dr. Newton had said.“W-What?”
“I asked you if you’ve been having any of the dreams we talked about?”
For a while, I was having recurring nightmares. They were always set in London; in empty streets or abandoned apartments. I was always trying to find my phone, or my bag, or someone, or something… I was never really sure. And I always ended up opening a door and being back in my New York bedroom. Except, the way my room was decorated when I was a baby. They varied sometimes; some stranger than others. But they always kept that general plotline.
“No, not recently.”
“Anna, you need to understand that everything i’m doing is to try and help you. I’m not trying to make you miserable, your mother and I just want you to be happy.”
“See, that’s what I don’t think you understand. There’s no way for me to be happy here. I have absolutely no connection to this place anymore.” This was the most honest i’ve been with Dr. Newton in months, and with myself.
“Okay. And where do you feel like you would want to be, if you were given the choice?” I’m pretty sure he already knew the answer, he just wanted to hear it from me.
“London, last Fall.”
“Because, I was happy. I had great friends, I was starting over in a new city. And I just…” I stopped myself, unable to stay the last part out loud.
“Is that when you met that boy, the one who left?”
“Yes.” I’m fairly certain that Dr. Nelson knew who Harry was, as in he knew he was famous. But he never let on to anything like that. I guess it had something to do with his morals or practice or whatever.
“Do you feel as if, you need some one like that in your life to be truly happy?”
“No, I don’t think I need someone like him. I just need him.” I wasn’t looking at Dr. Newton, but I could tell that he was pleased with my sudden burst of energy, and my newfound ability to actually talk to him like a civil human being. “Haven’t you ever been in love?” I asked, finally looking him in the eye. Dr. Newton was fairly young, around mid-thirties. He was reasonably attractive, with a kind face. My eyes went to his left hand, where a gold ring rested on his second finger. “I mean, you’re married, so I guess you have. And I mean, you probably think what i’m talking about is ‘stupid teenage love’, like I don’t actually know what i’m talking about. But I really do. Because finding a person who you can be your true, complete self with. And someone you can tell anything to, be honest with, but stupid with… that’s what I had last Fall when I was in London. And maybe i’ll never get that same feeling back. And that’s how you want me to feel now. And i’m sorry to tell you that that’s never going to happen.” He looked at me intently, seeming to analyze everything I had just said. And then;
“Our time is up for today. We’ll start off here next week.”