My Heart Skips A Beat
“I made breakfast” I smiled as Anna stumbled into the kitchen at around 10 AM. She was wearing my shirt and was rubbing her eyes like a little kid, it was adorable.
“Mmm” I heard her say as she came up behind me, wrapping her arms around my waist and resting her cheek on my back.
“Are you trying to get me fat Harry?” She giggled, noticing the insane amount of food I had made.
“No fat. Just healthy.” I responded. “Plus I do have fruit! That’s good for you!” I joked, waving the spoon I was holding at the pre cut fruit I had bought at the market. I enjoyed cooking, it was quite relaxing. Plus, I wanted to do something special for Anna.
“Fruit, plus pancakes and bacon and fried eggs and potatoes. Yeah, i’m gonna go with fat.” She laughed, kissing my bare skin as I attempted to flip pancakes and not burn them, which was pretty much impossible when my truly fit girlfriend was pressing her body against me like that.
“You keep doing that and i’ll end up burning down the whole building.” I joked, turning my head to try and look at her.
“You better stop then.” She whispered, her nails scratching up and down my back and driving my absolutely mad. I flipped off the oven, leaving the rest of the pancake batter uncooked, and turned around to face her.
“Let me see it again.” I grinned, resting my hands on her waist.
“What?” Her eyes wide, pretending to have absolutely no idea what I was talking about. She knew exactly what I meant. She just loved playing hard to get once in awhile.
“You know what” I murmured into her ear, burying my nose in her hair, which still smelled lovely.
“Oh, this?” She said innocently, tugging down the neckline of the shirt she was wearing, revealing the tattoo. I loved it, I loved it so much.
“Yes, that. I just like to see it every once in awhile.” My lips pressed to it gently, her skin was warm and I felt her hands tangle in my hair, my favorite. I stepped forward until Anna was pressed up against the wall. I moved my hands from her waist, under the t shirt to the soft skin of her hip, tracing small circles with my thumb as her lips went to work on my neck. Her teeth nipped at the skin, soothing the pain with her soft lips. I heard myself moan, moving closer to her and pressing my entire body against hers.
“Someone’s frisky in the morning.” I joked.
“Are you protesting?” She said, pulling away.
“No, most definitely not. Carry on.” I said, grinning.
“Nah, I think i’m done. Let’s eat.” She said, pretending to be bored, and pushing away from my slightly.
“Oh, no you don’t!” I said, picking her up and throwing her over my shoulder, quickly making my way into the living room and dropping her onto the couch, quickly moving on top.
“You can’t get away that easily.”
I’m not sure how much time passed. And frankly, I don’t really care. We eventually did have breakfast. Albeit, it was a tad cold. But it was worth it. 100%.
“Have you told Danielle yet?” I asked Liam. We were all having our hair cut, something I didn’t really look forward to. Our stylist, Lou, loved to scare the crap out of me by threatening to give me a bowl cut or something. But today, I think she could tell I wasn’t in the mood.“Not yet.” Liam responded,
“I think i’m gonna tell Anna tonight. It just can’t wait any longer. If I do, I know i’ll regret it.”
“Good plan. And I mean, it’s only a few months, right? And they could come out sometimes? Maybe.” Liam was trying to convince himself more than anything.
“I dunno about Anna. I hate leaving her right now of all times. Things are just starting to get back to normal. And she, I mean, she needs me right now.” I didn’t want to give Liam all the details, but I think he could sense what I was alluding to.
“Don’t do that Haz!” Louis warned from the seat to my right.
“That thing you always do where you imagine the whole entire conversation in your head before it even happens and completely psych yourself out.” I turned to him, a surprised look on my face.
“I’m not!” I protested. But really, I just hated how well these boys knew me. “But really guys, what are you going to tell them? I don’t know how to go about doing this. No matter what I say, it’s gonna feel like complete shit.”
“You just have to do it, don’t beat around the bush. But in all honesty, your situation is harder than either of ours. So just, be brave, be honest, and everything will work out the way it’s meant to.”
“Liam is like that wise old grandpa we all have who just says random shit all the time and no one even gets what he’s talking about!” Niall burst out, hysterically laughing. Everyone else joined in, and I tried. But what he had said was true, and I needed to remember it.
I was feeling good today. Really good. I went out with Danielle and Eleanor and went to Topshop and a few other places. It wasn’t even 4 o’clock when Harry got home from whatever he and they boys were doing today.
“Hey! So, I’m trying this whole ‘cooking’ thing you’re so fond of. I thought i’d start with something simple so it’s just pasta. But it’s a start right?” I said, still facing the stove as I heard Harry walk in. I spun around to see him leaning against the doorframe, looking at me with sad eyes.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, knowing that look far too well, and it was never a good thing.
“I need to talk to you.” Harry said in a low voice. “Can we go sit in the other room?” He asked. My heart seemed to speed up, nervous as to what he was going to tell me.
“Harry, you’re scaring me, what’s going on?” He took my hand and led me over to the couch.
“Just, I need to tell you something important, okay? And I need you to let me get it all out before you say anything, because this isn’t easy for me.” He took my hands in his and held them in his lap.
“Okay…” I murmured.
Harry took a deep breath before he began. “Well, the other day when we had a meeting with Simon… The day that we-”
“I know.” I said, quickly realizing I had interrupted. “sorry” I said quietly, allowing him to go on.
“Well, um, he told us something at the end of the meeting that I really hadn’t seen coming at all. He uh, well he’s scheduled a US tour. Starting in one week.” His words hit me like an oncoming bus. I felt like I had been slapped in the face with reality. I couldn’t speak, my breaths becoming more labored as I immediately felt tears spring to my eyes. Harry’s expression was one of complete sadness; he looked broken.
“Wow. That’s, um, wow. One week. That’s amazing though, Harry. I’m - I can’t believe it, I’m so proud of you.” And I was proud of him, immensely. All of the boys have worked unbelievably hard to get to where they are right now. And I knew this was taking their career to a whole new level, that’s what they’ve always said of making it in the US. I wanted him to understand that this was a good thing, no matter what it feels like right now.
“Anna… you don’t have to say that.”
“But it is. It’s great. I just- I can’t believe it. I don’t even know… what to say.” My mind was a jumbled mess, a thousand thoughts running through it. Part of me wanted to throw my arms around him and kiss him and tell him that I was happy for him, another part of me wanted to scream and cry and beg him not to go. “I just can’t believe it. You’re leaving.”
His expression suddenly changed from sadness, to desperation. “But it’s only for a few months! And i’ll be back soon, and you and the other girls can come out and visit us! It’ll work, baby I know it’ll work I promise. I’m not going to let this change anything.” He was gripping my hands, speaking a mile a minute, trying to convince both me and himself.
“Wait- Harry, wait. Just, calm down, it’s okay.” He stopped, exhaling, as if he had been holding his breath. “I hate to tell you this, but you know it isn’t that simple.” I said, cupping his cheek in my hand. He turned his head, pressing his lips to my palm. His eyes opened, revealing their beautiful mossy green color to me.
“But why?” He begged, linking his fingers through mine.
“I’m seventeen, Harry. I don’t live here, not really. I’m not a citizen. I don’t have my own place. Without you here, without school… what reason would I have to stay? How could I? Where would I even go?” His shoulders slumped. I don’t think he had really thought of that aspect of it.
“You could stay here…” He was trying to hold onto the idea in his head, no matter what it took.
“Alone? I don’t think I could. I couldn’t be here without you. It would be too hard, too painful.” I looked around the room, imagining having to stay here all by myself for several months. Every single thing in this apartment held a memory of Harry, of the two of us together. It would break my heart every day that I woke up without him.
“Shh…” said, pressing my finger to his lips. “Not now, let’s not do this right now. I can’t” My throat felt like it was closing in, threatening tears. I could have the “Well maybe” and “What if” conversation at this moment. My entire world had just been flipped. Everything I wanted, everything I had been excited about, or looking forward to, was now changed. And it was no one’s fault. “Can you just, be here?” His features softened as he pulled me over to him so I was straddling his lap. My hands laced into his hair and my head rested on his shoulder.
“Are you angry with me?” Harry asked quietly, stroking my hair.
“No, not angry. Just sad. What am I going to do without you?” My voice cracked, revealing my true emotions. I felt Harry grip onto me tighter.
“I don’t know what i’m going to do without my girl. I never thought I would meet someone who meant this much to me.” His words felt like hell, cracking my already wounded heart.
The next few days went by in a blur. My days were spent working, then rushing back to the flat and spending as much time as possible with Anna. The nights were filled with whispered promises and long kisses. I told Anna over and over that things would be okay. The tour would last a few months, and then by the time school started next year we would both be back in London. But if I was being completely honest, I was scared out of my mind. I was scared about going to the US, and what kind of response we would receive. I was scared about being on the road for that long, and if my voice would cooperate with me. But more than absolutely anything, I was scared for Anna. She was just getting back on track, looking better every day. But I just have no idea what it’ll do to either of us to be away for that long. Where was she going to go; back to New York to live with her insane parents? with Danielle or Eleanor? I just didn’t know, and time was running out.
“I’m going to go take a shower.” I whispered to Harry who was lying facedown on his bed, his face buried in the pillow. He just grunted. But when I got up to run into the bathroom, I felt him grab my wrist.
“Come here.” He said quietly, flipping over so he was lying on his side. I obliged, climbing on top of him and placing my head on his chest, my legs straddling his waist.
“I’m gonna miss this…” I said, feeling his chest rise and fall with each breath. His hands tangled in my hair, combing through the knotted strands.
“You’re breaking my heart, babe.” Harry’s voice sounded sad.
“I’m sorry. I don’t want to be so, I dunno, so clingy. I just-”
“Shh…sh…no. You’re not. Do you understand how much i’m going to miss you? I have no idea how i’m going to get through this.” I readjusted so my chin was resting on his chest and I was able to look up at Harry, my eyes filling with tears when I thought about the fact that in just 4 days he wasn’t going to be here.
“I’m scared.” I managed to get out. “I’m not strong enough for this Harry, I know i’m not.”
“No, no, love, come here.” Harry sat up so I was still on his lap, his hands cupping my face. “You are the absolute strongest person I know. You’ve dealt with more in your life than anyone should ever have to, let alone someone as amazing and special and wonderful as you. We’re gonna get through this. We’re gonna be alright, yeah?” I just nodded, even if I wasn’t sure that I was going to be okay. I had to be strong for Harry. If I wasn’t, and he saw how completely terrified I really felt, even more than I was letting on, he was going to try and figure out a way around this. I couldn’t do that to him, ruin his first US tour. And if I did, I wouldn’t just be ruining it for him, but all the boys.
I smiled at him, nodding slightly. “So, about that shower… mind if I join?” He gave me that typical boyish grin. And I just grabbed his hand, pulling him out of bed and into the bathroom.