My Heart Skips A Beat
“IS THIS SOME KIND OF FUCKING JOKE?!” I wasn’t even yelling at anyone in particular. I was just…yelling. It’s all i’ve managed to do ever since I saw Niall’s face change as he was looking at his phone, and I forced him to hand it over.
“It was posted on twitter just a couple minutes ago, it’s already a TT.” He carefully gave his phone to me, seeming like he thought I was going to blow up or something. Which i guess would mean he had been right. I didn’t mean for it to seem like I was taking it out on Niall, I know all about don’t shoot the messenger and all that, but I was fucking pissed.
“Harry- you gotta calm down mate.” Niall urged. We were at the Syco Records office building, and there were tons of business people in suits walking past us. “-People are staring.” Niall said quietly, gripping my shoulder.
“Does it look like I care?” I said to Niall in a low voice, my jaw set. I was so angry I was seeing spots. I needed to do something, to physically let out all of this pent-up aggression.
“I have to get out of here.” I suddenly said, sitting up from the chair and storming off from the boys, Niall’s phone still clutched in my hand.
“Harry, you can’t just leave. I know this is bad but-”
“I just need some air.”I snapped. He was trying to be kind, he really was. But I didn’t really care right now. Did this really have to happen, NOW of all times?! When Anna and I are already dealing with so many other issues, THIS is when people decide to start doing shit like this?
I pushed open the side door with all of the strength I could muster. It opened into an empty alleyway. The door slammed and I balled my hands into fists, using just a bit up the anger i had surging through me to violently kick over a trashcan which clattered and rolled away. it only helped a little. I paced for a few seconds, trying to figure out what to do next. I couldn’t leave the offices of Syco, I knew that. Simon would be angry and the boys didn’t deserve that. But I had to do something.
I pulled out my phone and called Anna, letting it ring for a while before her voicemail began.“Hi, this is Anna! Leave me a message and i’ll get back to you soon. Bye!”
I hung up and dialed again, this time deciding to leave a message.
“Hi baby, I just saw what happened. Please, call me back as soon as you get this. I just need to talk to you, hear your voice. Please. I’m so sorry, I don’t- I- I’m just sorry.” I hung up, tried calling one more time, and then decided to give it a rest for a few minutes. If I had my way, I would be en route to her right now. But I knew that was wrong. I hated it though.
“Harry?” I turned around to see Liam in the doorway, looking concerned.“I’ll be in there soon Liam, I just need a minute.”
“I know, I just wanted to talk to you.” He stepped outside, shutting the door behind him.
“You and Anna have been having some troubles lately?” He asked, leaning against the stone wall, crossing his arms over his chest.
“Did Danielle tell you something? I assume they’ve talked about-”
“She didn’t have to tell me. I do know you pretty well.” He smiled and I smirked. I should’ve known Liam would try and give me a talk.
“Tell me what’s going on.” He wasn’t asking me, he was telling me. And part of me wondered if I should be doing this. Was it really his business? But then I realized how stupid that was. Liam was a friend, trying to help me. And right now, I could use a true friend.
“I don’t even know what’s going on. I mean, It all started in Hawaii with… you know. And ever since then she just hasn’t been the same. For a little while I tried to deny it, pretend like it wasn’t happening. But I knew she wasn’t alright. And especially ever since we got home, it’s just gotten worse. I’m never there, she can never leave the flat, everything’s just falling apart. We had been so good together, and then I just had to fuck everything up. As usual.” I felt like I was just repeating to him my inner monologue of the past weeks, but it was all true.
“And you’ve talked to her about this?” He knew the answer before I told him.
“What the hell am I going to say Liam?! I feel like a twat, never being there for her. But i’m just- i’m fucking scared…”
“You’ve been going out a lot lately, more than you have in a long time, since before you met Anna. She changed you mate, for the better.”
“I go out because i’m shit at facing my problems, that’s the truth.” I mumbled, shuffling my feet.
“Alright, here’s the plan. We’re going to get through the rest of this day as quickly and painlessly as possible, you’re going to go home, you’re going to talk to Anna, and you’re going to tell her everything you just told me and more. She needs to know where you’re at. Okay?”
I sighed, ruffling my hair instinctively. “You’re way too sensible for me Payne.” He just laughed, slapping my on the back and leading the two of us back inside.
About 20 minutes later we were all driving in a van to the interview location and I decided to try and call Anna again, which went to voicemail. I sent her a text, hoping she would respond;
‘I understand if you don’t want to talk. I just hope you’re okay. i’ll be back as soon as possible. i’m so, so sorry i can’t be there right now. You know I would if it were possible. call me at any time today, i promise i’ll answer. i love you. we need to have a good talk tonight. although it may not seem true sometimes, you are the most important to me, always. xx.’
Washing pink food coloring from what I assume was a strawberry milkshake out of my hair for the past hour gave me a lot of time to cry, and think. I had sat on the bathroom floor for a while, sobbing. I know that what had just happened wasn’t the worst thing in the world. It could’ve been a lot worse. I just felt completely worn out. The past months have been some of the best of my life, but also some of the worst, and undeniably the most eventful.
It was around 6:30 when I was showered, cleaned off, and dressed in sweatpants and a sweater. My phone had been dropped on the floor right in front of the door. I picked it up to see that I had 7 missed calls. 6 from Harry, and 1 from Liam.
So obviously, what happened earlier was now common knowledge. Thanks to the internet no doubt.
I had several texts and voicemails from Harry; saying how sorry he was, how he would be back as soon as he could, how he wanted us to talk. He sounded sad in the messages. “I love you”, he said. I’m not sure when he said that to me last.The voicemail from Liam was sort of a surprise;
“Hi Anna. It’s me, Liam. Um, I was just talking to Harry, we saw what happened outside the building. It’s just, horrible, disgusting. We’re all so sorry. But, uh, he’s just, really really broken up about it. I was talking to him a little while ago and he’s not doing great. I just wanted to let you know that whatever has been going on lately, he’s aware of it. And he hates it. You deserve to be happy, but I think that Harry does too. And honestly, i’ve never seen him happier than when he’s with you. So just, give him a chance. We all know how closed off he can get, but please just, i don’t know- I guess I just wanted to tell you how upset he’s ben. So um, i’ll see you soon. Hope you’re doing alright. G’bye love.”
I felt my eyes begin to water yet again, but forced myself not to cry. I have done more than enough of that for one day. Liam was an amazing friend, an amazing person. The fact that he had taken the time to talk to Harry, understand what has been going on, and then call me… it was too much.
I should maybe feel more upset about specifically what those people had said today. And if anyone had seen me just half an hour ago, they would’ve thought their words are what made me so upset. But that wasn’t it; Because they had been right.
I hadn’t been eating properly, sometimes not at all. And there hasn’t really been anyone around to notice. I had lost my appetite completely, along with several pounds. I’m not sure what it was, I just couldn’t force myself to eat. I had began to see a difference about a week and a half ago, around the same time that I stopped trying to fix everything. But for some reaosn or another, I couldn’t care. I just let myslef go long periods of time without eating anything; sometimes a day or two. I wasn’t trying to starve myself. I was just, uninterested, to say the least.
The meeting with Simon after the quick interview we had done had gone pretty well so far, nothing out of the ordinary. We seemed to be finishing up.
“There’s one last very exciting piece of news that I want to share with you boys.” He said, setting the papers he had been holding down on the table and folding his hands in front of him.“We’ve actually scheduled a tour in the USA. The fans have been waiting patiently for you to come over there, and I think it’s time that you do.”
“Are you serious!?”
“That’s amazing!!” The boys exclaimed. Simon smiled in that fatherly way that he sometimes does.
“Yes, it’s an incredible opportunity. It’s going to have to get started fairly soon, and last a few months.”
“Starting when?” I said, my voice low and solemn compared to the four others.
“One week.” Simon said, diverting his eyes from me, knowing that this was the part he didn’t want to have to admit.
“One week?!” Liam said, sounding the same way that I felt, just a bit nicer.
“I know it’s quite short notice but we didn’t think it was going to happen until at least July. But there’s been a lot of talk about you over there online, and the fans are getting restless. We simply cannot wait any longer.”
“So, we’re leaving in a week?” Louis said.
“Yes.” Was all Simon responded with. It was obvious he knew that this was asking a lot of us, not that he, being the serious businessman he was, would ever admit that to any of us.
I was excited for our first chance to perform in front of the American fans, making it in the America was always the ultimate goal. But now, with everything going on with Anna… it couldn’t be worse timing.
“I know this all comes as a bit of a shock, so i’ll let you go now. Congratulations boys, you’ve really made it.” He smiled, pulling his chair away from the table, picking up his cup of tea and his iPad and leaving the room without another word.
“How exactly does this fit into that plan you were telling me about earlier? I turned and asked Lima. He looked at me with sympathy.