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My Heart Skips A Beat

Chapter 20

All I wanted to do was forget. For get about things with my parents, forget about the pictures, and most of all, forget about what I had just done. Because even though I knew it was the right thing to do at the moment, deep down it was absolutely killing me. Seeing him, trying to hold on to us, was too much for me to handle. Seeing his beautiful face contort to one of hurt and sadness, I couldn’t bear it.
So, I got drunk.
Wait, let me rephrase that. I got REALLY drunk.
By the time midnight rolled around, I was completely wasted. I knew this. I knew I was acting like an idiot, but I couldn’t care. The only way to make this bearable was to make myself numb. The music was loud and everyone was hot and sweaty and it was so crowded. I had been fine all night, but I was starting to feel my claustrophobia kick in. That, plus the added issue of the amount of shots I had taken, was not making for a pretty scene.
“Anna! Are you alright?” I heard Eleanor yell as she and Danielle held me up from falling over.
“I need to-“ I could barely speak. But I think they knew. I felt them guide me into a bathroom where I collapsed onto the floor.
“Anna, tell us what happened.” Eleanor said. Danielle held a cup of water in front of me, which I sipped hesitantly.
“I don’t….Me and Harry…” A sob escaped my throat and after that, I couldn’t hold it in anymore.
“Babe, what did he do?”
“He didn’t do anything. It was me. It was me being stupid. I can’t believe it.” I was gross sobbing now; mascara running down my face, red and puffy eyes.
“Hon, do you want us to take you back to Harry and Lou’s to sleep it off?”
“NO. I can’t go there- He hates me, I know it.”
“Anna, Harry could never hate you. No matter what you did.”
“No, he hates me, I know he does. I just- I can’t take it anymore. I don’t know what to do, what do I do?” I knew I was being crazy; yelling and crying. I just couldn’t control it. It was like all of this build up frustration that was now being released.
I saw Danielle whisper something to Eleanor and then slip out of the bathroom door.
“Where is she going?” I asked through broken sobs.
“Nowhere. She’ll be right back.” El said, urging me to take another sip of water.

I was trying to be stronger than I was feeling. I had seen Anna throughout the night and she looked like she was okay, which sort of only made everything worse. I didn’t know what to do, so I decided early on that the only way I was going to get through this night was with a few beers.
By midnight I was past anger, and I had gone right to denial. I was out on the patio, leaning against the railing, looking out across London, when I heard someone calling my name. I jolted up, thinking for a second that it was Anna. But then I saw Danielle rushing towards me.
“HARRY!” She said, breathing heavily.
“What’s going on?”
“It’s Anna. You’ve got to help us. I don’t know what else to do.”
This was suddenly sobering. “What’s wrong with Anna, what happened?”
“She’s just- really drunk, and she was freaking out and now we have her in the bathroom and she’s just, crying. I think you’re the only one who can help.” She looked at me with pleading eyes, like I was going to say no. I put my bottle down on a table, abandoning it completely, and followed Danielle through her crowded apartment.
When she opened the bathroom door, two heads turned towards me; Eleanor and Anna’s.
“Harry.” She said, her voice hoarse and quiet. Her cheeks were streaked with black and she was pale and looked slightly sick.
“Thank goodness.” I heard Eleanor breath, getting up to give me space. I kneeled down to her level.
“We’re just gonna give you guys-“ Eleanor said, cutting herself off by shutting the door so Anna and I were alone.
“I’m sorry. I’m being, stupid. I don’t-“
“Shhh. It’s okay. Just- don’t talk right now. It’s just gonna make you feel worse. Here, take this and drink it. Trust me.” I handed her the water and she took it, bringing the cup to her lips.
We were both quiet for a while, a just watched her take small sips of water as I held my hand on the small of her back, making sure she stayed upright.
“I’m sorry, Harry.”
“Don’t worry about it. If I told you the number of times Louis had to practically carry me back home from a pub-“
“I didn’t mean about that. “ She lifted her eyes to meet mine. And it seemed like more was said in that one look than we could ever say with words.
“Can I take you somewhere?” I said quietly. She shook her head for a second.
“I don’t really know where to go…”
“Let me just take you back to my flat. You can sleep in my room, I’ll take the couch. It’s fine, really.” She sniffed a little, wiping away a few tears.
“Yeah, okay.”

Half an hour later I was carrying Anna from a cab into my building. She had fallen asleep in the car, so I was now carrying her up the stairs, and into our flat. All the lights were off and I just about dropped her while simultaneously stubbing my toe on the corner of out couch, but eventually we made it to my room. I laid Anna down on the bed, her arms still locked around my neck. I pulled away gently, but she didn’t let go.
“Stay.” I heard her say. I considered ignoring it, but who was I kidding? I laid down next to her, pulling the duvet over both of us.

I woke up in Harry’s bed with no memory of how I had ended up there. I remembered talking to him early last night, then I remember drinking.
Oh, right. That.
I needed to get out of there. I had said that I needed some space and sleeping in the same bed definitely wasn’t doing that. So, as carefully as humanly possible, I inched out of his bed, grabbed my shoes that were thrown at the corner of his room, and snuck out of his apartment. I hated doing this to Harry, but at this point I didn’t feel like I had a choice. I’m the one who said we needed to spend some time apart and now I was winding up in his bed?
So, I took the pathetic walk of shame all the way back to school where I changed into a pair of black leggings and one of my brother’s old sweatshirts and went on a trek to find the nearest coffee place. It was actually a lot easier than I had suspected. I’m not saying it compared to my New York coffee, but it’ll have to do. Three cups and a blueberry scone later, I felt like I was in a better state of mind than I had been earlier this morning. I was also thankful for the lack of people out early Saturday morning. It gave me some time to think without being paranoid of someone taking my picture or coming up to me, asking questions about the boys.
But, with all that time to think, I was able to realize what I had done;
I had broken up with Harry.
I said that to myself a few more times. I mean, I guess I hadn’t exactly ‘broken up’ with him. But I had done something. Something I couldn’t help but regret a little. And although that part was nagging at the back of my brain, I needed to think about this logically. Ever since meeting Harry, ever since falling for Harry, ever since my first week here, my life has been a whirlwind. I knew I needed a little time to relax and figure things out. That didn’t mean I wasn’t allowed to already miss him a little, or a lot, as long as I didn’t act on it.
I spent the rest of my Saturday doing omething I rarely have done since moving here, I just wandered. I walked through the windy streets, going into random stores that sold things as strange as every kind of candle you could imagine, to books that looked like the had spent the last 50 years in someone’s basement. But it was oddly a really good time. I think I had forgotten that I was actually capable of having a good time by myself. I also think I had somehow forgotten that I was living in one fo the greatest cities in the world and I should be taking advantage of it. So that’s what I did take keep my mind off of, other things.
And it actually worked pretty well, until I walked into a convenient store, with a TV in the corner.
“Hi! We’re One Direction!” I heard the five voices say in unison. I immedietly spun around, just in time to catch a glimpse of Harry’s perfect face on the screen.
God, what was wrong with me? It hadn’t even bene a day. Was I really this weak?
So, I guess watching TV was out of the question, and going online, and reading magazines, and listening to the radio. Yeah, that all sounds completely doable…
I rushed out of the store, pushing the door open and walking out into the busy London streets where I could be completely anonymous. I was just another person blending in with the crowd.

I woke up last Saturday morning alone. And it didn’t stop there. I walked into the flat, it was empty. I rang the other boys’ flats, nothing. I felt totally and completely alone. And I had to admit, it wasn’t the nicest feeling. I didn’t even know what to do with myself. I couldn’t call Anna, I couldn’t really call anyone. So… now what? I showered and got dressed into a pair of jeans, my trusty tattered converse, and a sweater. It was the first of November and it was really Fall at this point. The leaves were changing color, crunching under your feet as you walked. I didn’t have anywhere to go, but I decided to try and take a walk to clear my head.
I should’ve known better.
I wasn’t three blocks down my street when suddenly photogrophers were popping out of every direction. I tried to look slightly plesant, even though I felt like the opposite.THIS is exactly why Anna wanted to spend some time apart. And I honestly could blame her for it.So, I smiled a few times, giving small waves, answering their most basic questions. But I wasn’t in the mood for this right now. So at the first sign of a reasturant, I docked in and was finally able to exhale.
“Hi, can I help you?” The waitress said. I saw her facial expression change when I turned to face her. I should be used to this by now, but it still caught me off guard. “Uh, yeah. Just a um, table for one.” I had never eaten alone before. I wasn’t sure if I should feel depressed or not. But I just sat down, ordered a cup of tea and some breakfast, and tried to enjoy it as much as possible. Which was becoming exceedingly difficult due to the fact that my young, red-headed waitress was constantly coming over with a huge smile on her face, asking if I needed anything. I politely declinded each time, but she refused to give up. I mean, she was hot. In any other situation I would be asking her for her number, but I couldn’t now. Anna had somehow managed to ruin all other girls for me. Because, when I looked at that waitress I saw all the things a guy my age is looking for, but I needed more now. Or, I guess I just needed Anna.
The next few days were a blur of interviews, performances, and signings. I almost didn’t have enough time to think about everything that was going on in my life. It was all work all the time, which I was actually pretty grateful for. But really, it was sort of fantastic. We met so many fans over the past few days, all of them just as excited about the album as we were. We all couldn’t wait for them to hear it. And in a matter of just two weeks, they would be able to. It was exhilarating but at the same time completely terrifying.
Yesterday we actually got to see the physical CD for the very first time. We were all really, really happy with it. It was perfect for what we were going for for our first album. Simon was there too, and he seemed extra enthusiastic about it, which was always the final and most important seal of approval for us.
“So boys, ready for your lives to change forever?” He had said, leaning forward on his elbows. We all looked at him for a second, unsure of what to say. If I was being completely honest.
I wasn’t ready for my life to change forever. I don’t think I ever could be. Was I excited for what the future would bring? Of course. Was I hoping for massive success on the album? Obviously. Was I ready for everything I know to change for good? I wasn’t so sure.
And even though I WAS extremely distracted with work, there were still several times every day that I wished I could call Anna and tell her about something that had happened, or ask her opinion about something. Then I remembered, I couldn’t.

“Haz, you there?” I heard Louis say, waving his hand in front of my face. We were all driving in a car on our way home after a long day of interviews.
“Huh? Oh, yeah. For sure.” I tried to engage in conversation with the boys, but it was close to impossible.
“I think we should talk about the elephant in the car!” Louis sudden;y burst out.
“What?” We all asked, completely confused.
“You, man! You guys know what I’m talking about! Our little curly friend here hasn’t been himself for days and I’m sure we can all figure out why. There has been a significant lack of hot blonde girls in our flat recently. What’s going on with that?”
“We’re just- taking some time to be, separate. It’s not a big deal.” I mumbled, not making eye contact with any of them.
“Not a big deal my arse! You’re miserable, mate! Why would you want to take some time apart?!”
“I never said it was my idea.” I said, a little too harshly then I meant to. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to be so- mean, I guess. I’m just- frusterated. Confused. I don’t know…” I dropped my head into my hands, groaning in annoyance with my own patheticness.
“What happened, exactly?” I heard Zayn ask.
“I wish I knew. It’s just, one thing on top of another. It was a lot for her to handle. And I get that, I’m sure you do too. But, I just don’t think there’a anything I can do to change her mind.”
“You can’t think like that, mate! You’re Harry Styles! You can do anything!” Niall said, only half-jokingly.
“Yeah. As crazy as it sounds, Niall’s right. If you’re this gutted about it, you’ve got to do everything you can to get her back.” Liam agreed. I would never tell the other boys this, especially Louis, but I really trusted Liam’ opinion. He was just really sensible and smart. Plus, he had been in the longest relationship of anyone I know. So when he said that, it sort of gave me the confidence to think that maybe this could be fixed.
So, in that moment, I decided to go for it. I was going to get Anna back. I was going to fix everything. No matter what it took.
I just had to.


@notarealhipster Who do you imagine anna as?


I'm from the US, outside of Philly :)
Where are you from? My side of the pond (United States) or the other one?
I love this story it's my favorite one I've read so far! :)