Fanfiction 101
Before You Came | L.T.
Before You Came
Author: Louis_bae
Rate: 2
She’s new, just moving in. He’s the boy next door who lives with all of his best mates. They’re all in this gang that gets by on dealing drugs and getting into fights. Also, there’s this other girl. There’s not much information about her but she was, like, attacked or something in an alley. Harry promised to stay with her after he got back from one of his casual gang fights. They probably get together, but let’s get back to the main love interests. So boy is bad/in a bad situation, and the new girl comes into his life like a hurricane and turns his whole life around. Yeah, they get together, too.
The storylines used are just too common and too predictable. Every story that starts off like this goes the same. There’s going to be some really shitty drama, a little on and off action, some hot and cold attitudes, but in the end, none of that matters because they get together. Of course, there’s always the alternative -- one of them leaves and then they rekindle their love and get together in a sequel. There may or may not be a kid involved in that version.
Some authors are able to take really shitty, predictable storylines like the ones you’ve used and put amazing twists on them. With how your story has started off, I just don’t see this being one of those stories. A lot of it has to do with the fact that everything just happened too fast. Too much fluff isn’t good, but no fluff at all is just too all at once. You need some fluff, a little detail to set the scene for the story. This doesn’t just apply to the setting but the characters as well. Developing your characters helps readers to understand why they say or do certain things. You don’t need to directly state that someone is kind or an asshole or whatever, but allow some time for readers to get to know the characters before jumping into the storylines. You also need to build character relationships better. Harry asked that Amanda girl if she wanted to stay with her, but neither of them had spoken very many lines before. As far as the readers know at this point, Harry and Amanda have almost no relationship to one another. It’s pretty obvious that they’ll most likely end up together because of his gesture, but without the build up to that moment, his gesture leaves a reader mildly confused.
To sum up, a whole lot happened in so little time, and what did happen was just too done before. The story is only two short chapters in, but I would suggest that, if you really want to write this story, you start over. Take your time this time. Add detail, set the scene, develop the characters, and build relationships before stuff happens. Also, try to think of some ways to spice up the normal storylines. Don’t be afraid to stray from the norm, and do something unpredictable.
Grammar
The number one grammar error I saw was in your dialogue. I tried to explain the same thing in the last review, but it’s just something you should really know, a bit hard to actually explain in words. Basically, when you write dialogue and the follow up phrase to a quote is along the lines of he said or explained Harry, you end the quote with a comma and the pronoun or action remains lowercase, names will always remain capitalized of course. That was probably confusing, but here are some examples with stuff you actually wrote and how they should really be written.
Ex. 1: "Someone's not a morning person." joked Harry.
“Someone’s not a morning person,” joked Harry.
Ex. 2: "Come down, Liam." whispered Niall to Liam.
↳ “Come down, Liam,” whispered Niall to Liam.
Ex. 3: "What are we waiting for? Let's go over there." I said.
↳ “What are we waiting for? Let’s go over there,” I said.
When you end with a question mark or exclamation point, the follow up phrase follows the same rules as if they are commas. Most of the other errors I saw were small things that a little read through and editing can fix easily before each post.
If you find your review to be disappointing, I cannot honestly tell you that I’m sorry. Do not let what I say in any way discourage you from writing or anything for that matter. I am just one person with strongly opinionated views on everything. If I made it clear that I strongly dislike your story, do not think that other people won’t enjoy it. There are many other readers with different views than me who will find interest in your story where I may not have. I hope you do take something out of this and improve on and continue your writing, but if you don’t, that’s fine too.
Author: Louis_bae
Rate: 2
She’s new, just moving in. He’s the boy next door who lives with all of his best mates. They’re all in this gang that gets by on dealing drugs and getting into fights. Also, there’s this other girl. There’s not much information about her but she was, like, attacked or something in an alley. Harry promised to stay with her after he got back from one of his casual gang fights. They probably get together, but let’s get back to the main love interests. So boy is bad/in a bad situation, and the new girl comes into his life like a hurricane and turns his whole life around. Yeah, they get together, too.
The storylines used are just too common and too predictable. Every story that starts off like this goes the same. There’s going to be some really shitty drama, a little on and off action, some hot and cold attitudes, but in the end, none of that matters because they get together. Of course, there’s always the alternative -- one of them leaves and then they rekindle their love and get together in a sequel. There may or may not be a kid involved in that version.
Some authors are able to take really shitty, predictable storylines like the ones you’ve used and put amazing twists on them. With how your story has started off, I just don’t see this being one of those stories. A lot of it has to do with the fact that everything just happened too fast. Too much fluff isn’t good, but no fluff at all is just too all at once. You need some fluff, a little detail to set the scene for the story. This doesn’t just apply to the setting but the characters as well. Developing your characters helps readers to understand why they say or do certain things. You don’t need to directly state that someone is kind or an asshole or whatever, but allow some time for readers to get to know the characters before jumping into the storylines. You also need to build character relationships better. Harry asked that Amanda girl if she wanted to stay with her, but neither of them had spoken very many lines before. As far as the readers know at this point, Harry and Amanda have almost no relationship to one another. It’s pretty obvious that they’ll most likely end up together because of his gesture, but without the build up to that moment, his gesture leaves a reader mildly confused.
To sum up, a whole lot happened in so little time, and what did happen was just too done before. The story is only two short chapters in, but I would suggest that, if you really want to write this story, you start over. Take your time this time. Add detail, set the scene, develop the characters, and build relationships before stuff happens. Also, try to think of some ways to spice up the normal storylines. Don’t be afraid to stray from the norm, and do something unpredictable.
Grammar
The number one grammar error I saw was in your dialogue. I tried to explain the same thing in the last review, but it’s just something you should really know, a bit hard to actually explain in words. Basically, when you write dialogue and the follow up phrase to a quote is along the lines of he said or explained Harry, you end the quote with a comma and the pronoun or action remains lowercase, names will always remain capitalized of course. That was probably confusing, but here are some examples with stuff you actually wrote and how they should really be written.
Ex. 1: "Someone's not a morning person." joked Harry.
“Someone’s not a morning person,” joked Harry.
Ex. 2: "Come down, Liam." whispered Niall to Liam.
↳ “Come down, Liam,” whispered Niall to Liam.
Ex. 3: "What are we waiting for? Let's go over there." I said.
↳ “What are we waiting for? Let’s go over there,” I said.
When you end with a question mark or exclamation point, the follow up phrase follows the same rules as if they are commas. Most of the other errors I saw were small things that a little read through and editing can fix easily before each post.
If you find your review to be disappointing, I cannot honestly tell you that I’m sorry. Do not let what I say in any way discourage you from writing or anything for that matter. I am just one person with strongly opinionated views on everything. If I made it clear that I strongly dislike your story, do not think that other people won’t enjoy it. There are many other readers with different views than me who will find interest in your story where I may not have. I hope you do take something out of this and improve on and continue your writing, but if you don’t, that’s fine too.
Notes
I'm doing this thing where I try to prove to my family that I'm not antisocial by bringing my laptop out to the family area and "work on homework" within close range. Since the other two stories waiting for reviews are a bit long and will take a little more time, I decided to skip ahead to this one while I frantically switch screens whenever my mom walks past.
@That_clifford_girl
Hi! I don't normally do this but I'm just gonna get right on it.
It's in my knowledge that this author isn't coming back. Which means your review isn't coming. But! I recently started up a review store so if you're interested you can link your story there.
All you have to do is click my name and follow the form. :-)
12/31/16