When I woke up the next morning, I found myself alone in my old bed. To say I missed this place would be an understatement; I don’t think there is anything better than going back to the place in which you grew up. The same old galaxy sheets matted my bed, and the purple walls stayed the same color they had always been. The only difference between then and now is the clean state. I can’t remember my floor being so clean; I was never one to care about putting things away. My motto was: if I can find it, it’s not a mess.

I crawled out from under the covers; the chill air hit me harder then usual. It was then that I noticed the sound of raindrops beating against the windowsill and creating puddles on the sidewalk. Standing up from the bed, I made my way over to peak out the faded grape curtains. The display can describe my mood perfectly right now: damp, grey… It was as if the tone of the world could feel my pain and joined with me in my sorrow.

I shook my head, not allowing myself to be brought down by the current events and stepped away from the sad scenery playing out my window. Moving my depression aside, I slump over to the bathroom and do my morning routine. Just because I’m upset over the death of my brother doesn’t mean I have to give up on personal health and oral hygiene. Drew would have told me to be strong, to not worry about him. He’s always been good at giving me those speeches about courage, so now I’m taking it to heart and letting myself fill his shoes in my life.

“Be strong, for if you don’t look past all the wrong, you’ll never aspire to do what you think is right.” That’s what he used to tell me. I never really understood anything after ‘be strong’, but those two words and a comforting hug always did the trick.

When I had stood silently in the bathroom for a while, I realized that I didn’t even have a toothbrush let alone spare clothes. I went to bed in some of Talia’s pajamas, and I hadn’t brought anything with me except for whatever I had with me at the premiere.

I huffed in frustration and walked out to the kitchen where Talia and Harry both sat in silence. Talia’s head was down on the countertop with her arms resting below it. I could tell she was mournful just by the way she was positioned, and I knew she was full of regret for what happened.

Harry, on the other hand, had his hands covering his mouth and nose, supported up by his elbows as he stared at the wall before him. To be honest, I can’t really tell what Harry might be thinking now. He and Drew weren’t all that close, but while they did know one another, there was a well-built relationship between them as well as the other boys. I can practically revision the look on Harry’s face when Drew gestured to Harry that I was single.

Drew… at what point will I realize that you’re really gone? Or maybe I’m just being the one to know that you’ll always be in my heart. Yeah, that must be it because I can’t comply that you’re actually gone, so you’re here, in my heart forever and ever.

I sat down in between the two of them, leaning onto Harry. This contact made him snap out of whatever trance he was in and come back to reality. He sighed when he realized that it was just me and wrapped his long arms around me.

“I have to go back soon, but you’re welcome to stay here if you’d like. I can’t miss out on today because we’re going over the rest of the tracks.” Harry spoke with calmness in his voice. I just nodded my head in response. I wasn’t sure I was ready to go back and face my friends to tell them about my breakdown the other night.

“I’d better stay here with Tal, keep her company for the day,” I say quietly. A car horn beeps twice outside, probably Harry’s form of transportation. I assume correctly when Harry tells me that’s him and kisses me goodbye before running out the door.

Once he’s gone, I stand and wrap my arms around Talia from behind. She doesn’t move, but being closer I can hear her soft sniffles of despair. I turn her chair around so that her face is turned in my direction. As soon as I did so, she was sobbing into my shoulder. I stoked her hair softly; the way Harry does when we’re just laying in bed or when I’m sad.

“D- do y-you th-think I’m a b-bad p-p-person?” she stutters out. I frown at her question.

“Of course not, you had every right to be mad, its just fate that turns everything into a cruel ending. You had no idea that that would happen, so don’t stress about it.”

She leans out of my grip and looks at me with her tear filled eyes. I want to reciprocate her face but I don’t for her sake. “How do you do it?”

“Do what?” I ask.

“How do you stay so calm? I practically killed your brother and you don’t walk away from me. He’d gone, but you cried and got over it like that. How do you stay strong?”

I tuck the messy hair behind her ears and smile. “Because a wise brother once told me to ‘be strong, for if you don’t look past all the wrong, you’ll never aspire to do what you think is right.’”

“What does that even mean?”

I laugh. “To be honest, I have no idea, but it’s always helped to get me to keep sane even when I thought everything was lost.”

“You mean-”

“Yeah…”

“I’m really sorry, Har. I don’t know what I was thinking,” she says. Here we go with the apologies. I really don’t want to bitch about it, but sorry just doesn’t cut it because if the person were really sorry, they wouldn’t have done whatever they did in the first place. That’s what I’ve always hated about ‘sorry’. One word doesn’t fix everything.

“It’s fine, really. Stop apologizing; what’s done is done. As much as you think I should be mad at you, I won’t be mad, because you’re my family, Tal. Family doesn’t give up on family. So no matter the severity of the case, I will always be here for you.”

“Thank you.”

~

Today is the day of the funeral, only two days after his death. The crowd is minimal; a few close friends and family friends. People keep coming up to me and saying sorry for my loss, but in respect I nod and stay close to Talia who gets an equal amount of condolences. Harry and everyone else have come to the ceremony bringing along the paparazzi that can’t seem to get enough pictures of the event.

Thankfully, the ceremony doesn’t last too long before the can of ashes is dropped into the same hole where my mom and dad’s ashes are buried together. A new headstone is place next to it, however. It reads:

Drew Maurene Mattingly
April 11, 1987 – August 25, 2015
Nobody can go back and start a new beginning,
But anyone can start today and make a new ending.

He had always told me that when he died, he wanted that exact quote to be engraved in his gravestone. I always laughed at him for it, but I complied to his request because he willed it.

There were no speeches made, just burying, but even without the reminiscence of speech making, I cried. He is my brother after all. Harry stayed by my side as I threw in the last rose and never left my side even as we all started to disappear from the grave. I didn’t want to say goodbye, but I had no choice.

Saying goodbye to your last blood-related family member is like an arrow to the heart. It aches with pain, but I know that I can always come back to visit them, turn into that crazy thirteen year old again who talks to dead people every single day. Yes, that was me.

I’m not going to say I’m disappointed with myself for being that girl, but I can’t say I’m proud of it. That whole phase is the exact reason for the “be strong” speech. I’ll never get over the night he found out I had been crying myself to sleep or that I secretly wasn’t eating anything.

It had been a little over a month since the accident. I still wasn’t over it. Every night, including this night, I had to cry myself to sleep, but this time I wasn’t as quiet as I thought I was.

Drew came into my room wearing his teddy bear footie pajamas. I hadn’t even noticed this until he was cradling me in his arms, rocking me back and forth and softly attempting to sing ‘Follow Me’.

“Follow me and everything is alright. I’ll be the one to tuck you in at night. And if you want to leave, I can guarantee you won’t find nobody else like me.”

I sniffed back my tears and turned to him. “What are you doing here?”

“I heard crying, so I came to investigate. Is it because of mom and dad?”

“I miss them.”

“Me too little sis. Me too… I can’t promise you that things will get better, but be strong, for if you don’t look past all the wrong, you’ll never aspire to do what you think is right.”

That night, I got closer Drew than I ever had before. That night changed everything for me. I started to look at things on a more positive side, even though I’m a pessimist at heart.

So I’m going to stay strong and ignore the last part of his aspiring speech, and I know that Drew will forever hold a place in my heart.